There have been some pretty major changes in my life over the past 2 weeks some of which i cannot even talk about here which is unusual but its all good i think

Things are still blissful with R,
I am off work this week which has been a well needed rest, we took some time off together. Mainly cooking, drinking wine and being snuggled up under duvet,
i realise just how much i crave touch these days and how i cannot remember ever fearing it like i used too.

Today i spent the day in town, toy shopping
it is so lovley to have a man that does not feel afraid of the fact i have DID and who is more than comfortable with the more childlike parts. Alice is really starting to like him and its ok if i switch around him its not going to cause a drama.

I can honestly say now that i pretty much adore this man, he seems to understand me, is attentive lovley and really gets polyamoury,
is it too good to be true though
i guess il find out soon enough

I am making progress to with M, we have been back on talking terms/friendship for some months now. I have not taken it any further because i wanted to be 100 percent certian that it would not screw my life up again and that his breakup was infact real. I need to build up some kind of trust with him again and i wanted to do that first just emailing, then talking on msn, then phone and only after that in person. We have been talking on phone now for some time and i think it is getting to the point when i want to see him in person. There is a plan now for me to do that in the next couple of months, after the year and then we can actually see what an earth it is that we have and want if anything,

i have no idea where things will go,
i only know that i spent a year of my life missing him dispite how hurt me left me and dispite everybody telling me he was bad for me. I just accept now that i love him and that love is unconditional, perhaps foolish but so far he has done nothing to make me think that he is going to purposfully hurt me again.

I am terrified about seeing him again
and excited
and terrified some more

and i have to think about Chris, we have worked very hard talking and re-evaluating to try and get to a point where i can choose to have M as part of my life without destroying Chris. Are we there yet? I am honeslty not sure but I believe we are getting to there.

How can i have feelings for all 3 of them people keep asking me
and i don't know, but why not?
i know that i love all 3, i didn't plan on 3 DEF did not plan on 3, but R came along and just fitted into my life perfectly and so now there are 3 and it seems to work for me so far. I love them all for diffrent reasons, and in diffrent ways, and thats ok, there is not a fav and there is not one that i want to be with more than the others they are all something to me and thats constantly evolving and changing. If i give one up it will not be because of the other 2 it will be becuase it is not working out with that one and so far its working with all 3 so why change a thing.

I often wonder
why i crave love,
maybe its some kind of defect left over from a bad past,
or maybe its just how i am
i know that whatever led me to this path, be it, my abusive past or just my nature i am 100 percent happy to be here. I am living the life i imagine. I do what my gut feeling tells me and 99 percent of the time that has led me in the right direction. I live a life that i feel is completly full that does not mean i am always happy but i am actually alive.